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Bad days and random stuff


This blog isn't just my own baking diary, noting my edible successes and disaster.   I started it because I wanted to be totally honest about my IBS and especially my mental health problems.  For me the 2 are linked, problems with one usually set off problems with the other. 

My aim was to help reduce the stigma attached to having a mental health problem.  If I want to be totally open and honest, I really need to talk about my bad days.

Bad Days     

I didn't blog yesterday because it was one of my bad days.  A bad day for me means....

- Disconnected from what's going on around me.
- Mentally and physically tired
- Poor short term memory
- The feeling that I'm about to burst out in tears any minute
- Clumsy, accident prone

Basically really low and depressed.  I like to joke that it's like a Dementor from Harry Potter, has sucked all my joy and happiness.  Leaving nothing but depression and despair. 

Like IBS, there isn't always a trigger that sets it off. 

I hated to admit it yesterday, but this time I know what caused it.  Iv been pushing myself to try and do more.  I normally only do 2 days work experience at the Pantry, but the first week of January and this week Iv worked 3 days. I thought and hoped that doing a 2 day week in between would help.

3 days at the Pantry means, Iv have to get on a bus 3 days in the same week.  It takes me 1 hr 30 Min's and 2 buses to travel there.   For me what I gain through doing work experience at the Pantry, usually makes up for it. 

Why buses.....   Why not?  Anxiety disorders aren't really logical.  For me it's being in an enclosed space I can't get out off.  Fighting the urge to get off at the next stop.  Through Graded Exposure I'm okay on buses that aren't really busy.  However if there busy and noisy I still find it really hard to cope. 

Why Push myself.....  Catch 22 situation the only way I can judge if I can handle doing more, is too do more. 

Knowing what caused it and admitting it  is usually the first step in getting out of one.  In this case I was also able to talk about it with my support worker at the Pantry. 

Random Stuff - It's snowing again, really bored off it now.  Then again it also always reminds me of Narnia in the Lion, the witch and the wadrobe.

Today I'm not as bad, I got a good nights sleep.  I used my mum's trick of sleeping under 2 duvets to keep me warm, so for the first time in 4 days I was able to sleep in my own bed. 

Random Stuff - IBS causes me to have problems sleeping so the only way I can sleep is sitting up on my sofa.

I've conflicted emotions, on one side I'm annoyed that i can't cope with doing more activities yet.  While on the other side, at least I know.  Better to try and fail, than not try at all and be left wondering.

Another positive is that I now have more good days, than bad ones xxx












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