body

The Darkness


Scottish Association of Mental Health
THE DARKNESS

Hollowness fills me, it feels like a bereavement.
One minute I'm angry, the next empty.

Eyes open but not seeing, all emotion's
turn numb for my protection.

My mind keeps turning, I don't know
or ever have seem the point in living.
The purpose of existing.

Yet we are all pre-programed to survive.
Sadness slips in, I mourn.  Then it occurs to me,
 the life I grieve for is my own.


Depression is a hard illnesses to live with, one minute I'm okay.  Then the next I feel empty inside, as though a darkness has fallen over me.  It's a lot like that feeling you get when a loved one has died. I remember feeling exactly the same, after my grandmother's funeral.

Depression is hard to explain to someone that's not gone through it, as it causes a lot of conflicting emotions.  I was watching an old episode of Monkey Life today.  The one where Chimpanzee Charlie dies, when suddenly the tears started falling.  Next thing I knew I couldn't stop crying.  I felt a sense of loss for this animal I had never met.  I felt guilt for all the times I considered ending my own life.  I felt grief for the person I could have been, and the life I may have led.  Had I not had mental health problems with depression and anxiety.

 People like myself with mental health problems are fighting a daily battle with themselves.  You only see the tip on an iceberg.  We've trained ourselves to hid our feeling so well, that when we explain our problems people find it hard to believe.  

 I'm not a great poet by a long shot.  For me writing down my feelings is very therapeutic.  It's a way of expressing myself in written words, of feelings I find hard to talk about.  If you have similar problems like me.  Give it a try.  Even keeping a diary can be beneficial.    

 Remember you are not alone. There are billions of people on the planet that feeling the same way.  When things get bad I focus on that fact.  The UK has some great Mental Health Charities, that you can reach out too.  SAMH are the ones helping me.  In today's world it's easy to become overwhelmed, getting help and talking about your problems is a great help in overcoming that feeling.
The next time the darkness visits you, just take a breath and remember you are not alone.  I'm fighting the same battle that your are x

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